Life Lesson

 Do you ever figure something out that just makes you feel so dumb for not knowing it prior to finding out? Like when you discovered that the arrow on your gas gauge points to which side the gas pump needs to be on, or that you can put your syrup in the cup before you put in ice so it doesn't splash all over your white sweatshirt you should be wearing at the coffee shop anyways? 

Well recently I had a pretty big revelation. I have the ability to speak love, or take it away.

I thought I had this one down. I'm good at telling people they are doing a good job, I am good at encouraging, complementing, and being a really dope hype man, except I guess, when it comes to things that are more serious than today's outfit, or the fact that you did something great at work. 

See, I have had to take a really deep look into my relationship recently, and the things I am finding, are truly blowing my mind, changing everything, and I feel so dumb for not understanding this before. So you probably already know this stuff, but maybe there is a kid (like me) out there who's trying to grasp things, and this post will help. I'm not claiming to know everything, I'm just sharing what I have discovered. 

"I love you" isn't deep validation. "I'm proud of you" can only go so far, and most of the time, I don't even say "I'm proud of you" I say something else like "thanks for doing this, or not doing that". It's never really recognizing what was accomplished, and expressing that I am truly and deeply thankful. I don't let him help me, and I always fight it when he tries to compliment me. I thought this was all fine, just me being independent, enjoying my life and supporting him, but see, guys NEED to feel needed, to feel loved. 

Georgia from two years ago is rolling her eyes because who cares what guys need. 

But I didn't find some "guy". I found a boy that is growing into a man that deserves the respect and love that he is giving. I guess I have a hard time loving, and being loved back, because that's what this is all about. 

Billy needs to feel like he contributes to my life, and most of the time, I don't let him. I'm too stubborn. I said "I need you to lead" and then I didn't let him lead, even though that's what he wanted. No, he can not help with the dishes. No, he can't help pay for my plane ticket. No, he can't help in general, because I will not let him. I have even told him that I don't need his help. I thought that this was a good thing. I am showing him that I can do it on my own so he doesn't have to worry about me, but marriage is about being a team. This isn't an individual sport where we are all trying to beat our new PR. It took a heartbreaking realization to make me stop and think. Sure, I emotionally love him, and I know he loves me, but I wasn't showing my love, and I was refusing his. This sounds so much worse when I say it out loud. 

So I switched things up. I allowed him to help me out with things, and I validated the things he has done, which when I started looking, has been a lot. So I made myself allow him to lead. I know it seems dumb, but I let him pray with me, for us. I let him compliment me, I trusted him when he said he was working on something, I gave him responsibilities, which seems even more dumb, but since he's in Japan, I have been taking care of everything, all by myself, because I just assumed he would be too busy to even want to help. Then, what if it was something important and he didn't get it done? We would BOTH feel bad. How could that possibly benefit our relationship? 

Well I let that go. It has been so hard, but when I hear the joy in his voice when we talk on the phone, I know that it's worth it. I cant believe the difference it has made. Saying yes, when he asks if he can help, thank you, when he gives me a compliment, confiding my honest heart, allowing him to see ME, and acknowledging the things he's been working so hard on for me. I know he feels better, he's trying harder to do things for me, too. He feels loved. I feel loved. 

Everything got better when I put down my sword of independence and allowed him to be the man that he so desperately wanted to be. Our conversations are better, the results of our projects turn out better, we both feel more fulfilled by our 5 minute conversations. Its changed everything, I can't believe I didn't see it. 

 I get it, I'm green to being in relationships, and that makes me feel like I don't want to post this, because who am I. I'm hardly 20. However, I promised myself that I won't listen to the little negative voices in my head because even if somebody scoffs at this post, someone else might be able to benefit from it and that's all that matters. 

I'm not claiming to know everything, and as my relationship evolves, my perspective will evolve, and the things I learn will have more depth and context, but right now I'm sitting in year three of my relationship, finally understanding something I wish I had known on day one. It was a painful realization, but the pain led to beautiful growth. I guess that's all just a part of Becoming Wisor <3