Cloudy Nights

 Boy, 2021 has already brought some massive changes. Truly massive changes. Some of them have been full of joy, and excitement, and others have made me sick to my stomach and ill with worry. Regardless, the earth still turns and the sun still rises. 

My husband-to-be called me last night with amazing insight that made my heart stop. The power is out on base I guess (he's in Japan on his first deployment), so he called me to say good night (mind you, its 1 AM for me). He was sitting outside, looking at the stars, and he just goes "wow. The moon is lighting up the sky and I can see like its day" and he went on to talk about how awesome he thinks it is that God gave us the moon and the stars, as almost a metaphor for being light, even in the darkness. Even when we cant see the stars, they are still there, kinda like God is the light in our lives, even when we cant see it. He reminded me that God gives us light in the darkness, even if our own doubt, or worry or fear covers it up. 

It blew my mind. I have seriously enjoyed listening to all of Billy's spiritual insights. Hes growing so much, my heart sings with joy. It came at a perfect time, too. I'll admit, I have been struggling with my faith recently. Not doubting God, but doubting myself, I guess. I have such deep worries in my heart, worries about the military, worries about my future, about being able to be with the man I want to call husband (and accidently do sometimes, oops) Is my worry a sign of lack of faith? Am I one of the ones that God didn't give his spirit to? My mind has been racing with questions and doubts, wondering why my desperate pleas to God to take my worries from me, seem to be coming up fruitless. 

This deployment has been hard for me. I feel like I am alone. I feel bombarded with bad news, big choices, plot twists, and loneliness because at the end of the day the only person I want to talk about any of it with, is Billy. Of course, all these challenges have helped me develop character, and a spine. I know that at the end of this, there will be more plot twists and bad news and loneliness, but today is making me stronger for tomorrow.

 I only get a few moments with Billy every week. Sometimes I have big things to talk about, like should we get a new rig, and what do I do about an apartment, and things that happen at work and I'm overwhelmed when the phone rings in the middle of the night, and my brain is too scrambled to think of anything to say, and he has to hurry to get to sleep because he has to go on a long flight the next day, and I wake up the net morning, feeling the warmth of his love, but the emptiness of lack of communication, and everything feels cloudy. 

But sometimes, he says something completely random that changes my whole perspective, like last nights comments. I might feel clouded, I might feel like there is no light, or that the light is so faint I don't really know if its for me, or someone next to me, but I can know in my heart that God is there, He will never leave me or forsake me. He is light in the darkness. 

Its so important to remember that we are not in control, in fact, knowing that should help us all stress less. Not that being stressed about SOME things isn't healthy, but being sick with worry all the time... I'm not in control. God is completely, 100% without fail, the one in control. God has not already been in the moments I am worried about, but also used them for something even better, further along in life. So right now, I might be worried that Billy won't come home from deployment, that he will get stuck in Japan, or that they will extend his deployment because maybe a war is going to break out... But God already knows. AND He already has it taken care of. 

So if you're worried, if you're scared. If you are looking at the world right now and seeing things change and listening to the news and paying attention to what's going on, don't forget that even in the dark, even when the clouds are so thick you can't see anything, God is still there, just like the moon and the stars. Even if you're just angry, or confused, upset in any fashion. God still got you. God uses broken situations, God uses the dark, to shine His light. In fact, on a cloudy night, when none of the stars shine, and there is a little break in the clouds and the moon shines through, isn't that when it seems the brightest? 

I'm learning, that's for sure. Even when it feels like I can't catch a break, God is just teaching me faith and trust (and a million other things), but I guess that's all just a part of Becoming Wisor. <3